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8 Ways To Encourage A Chronically Ill Mom

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Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, backyard BBQs, or meetings at the pool. They are a great time to get to know other mothers and share activities as well as advice. But as the number of women who live with chronic illness such as chronic fatigue syndrome and lupus continues to grow, so does the spontaneity of the fun of these mommy moments.

For example, the National Fibromyalgia Association reports that fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide deal with illness symptoms commonly associated with FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. When I recently went to an adoptive mom's playgroup, just within this niche group, three out of the six of the women there lives with a chronic illnesses. Being aware of what a friend can and cannot do, and acknowledging that you know some days will have different limitations and challenges, can make a significant impact in these mom's ability to participate and feel comfortable with other mothers.

[1]. Find out the best times of day for play-dates or activities. This will vary from season to season (weather and heat can affect it a great deal); and it also is different from one illness to another. For example, for some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others they aren't moving or out of PJs before the clock strikes noon.

[2] Be flexible and don't make her feel guilty if she must cancel. Having a chronic illness means each day is unpredictable. Last week I took one step and my knee was locked up for four days. I winced in pain as I did heat and medication therapy while my husband worked at home. All my plans were cancelled and I had no advance notice.

[3] Ask her to clarify what she's comfortable doing. For example, you might say, "How far do you want to walk today?" and try to accommodate. Even though you can see the park from your house two blocks away, she may not be bale to make it. Stairs may be impossible, and I won't even take escalators any more because of my knees, so take the elevator with her. Walk at her pace, recognizing that she may have to take rest stops every few minutes even though you've only walked fifty feet. Do her a huge favor and chase after her kids for a few minutes. Standing for longer than a couple minutes may also be a challenge. Despite the pain of walking, it's better for me than standing. Even though the line at the carousel looks like it's only five minutes, she may need you to offer to stand in line and then let her jump in beside you at the last minutes.

[4] Be polite when asking questions about her illness. For example, ask, "What is your greatest challenge?" Don't tell her about all the cures you've heard for her illness or about the products you sell that could cure her; or about your mother's aunt's neighbor who has the same illness but still is able to raise five children and work a full-time job.

[5] Remember that simple things may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot. Many people are unable to plop down on the ground, so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn't the only one two feet above everyone else. Sun and heat can bother her so she will need to find shade. Don't expect her to carry three lawn chairs, a cooler and your fourteen-month old daughter, even though you can carry all that and the dog. You don't want to make her feel helpless, and she doesn't want a fuss, but be aware that she may need a few extra considerations.

[6] Don't assume that she can take care of your children unless she volunteers. Watching kids is exhausting and just taking care of her own may be all she can handle for the moment. Plus, if your kids play in the street, when a car comes she's not going to be able to jump three tricycles and sprint to grab their little hands nearly as fast as you could.

[7] Plan things that she can participate in. Even though you may think nothing of inviting her to your stroller exercise group, and mommy and me aerobics classes, these are not likely options for her. Discover what kinds of things she likes to do and then see if you can join her. And don't try to set a record for the longest outing. Keep the activities under three hours or at least let her know that she's welcome to go whenever she wants. You may like six hours watching the elephants, but she's going to need to get home and recover from the outing. Don't try to encourage her to stay longer by saying "A little more exercise might really help you feel better!"

[8] Lastly, tell her those words that every mom so wants to hear at least once in her life: "You are doing such a great job as a mom. I don't know how you do it all, especially with your illness. I really admire your perseverance and strength."

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Get 40 free pages of "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend" by Lisa Copen when you subscribe to HopeNotes invisible illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the director of Invisible Illness Awareness Week.



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